tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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