Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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