They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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