Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
