the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
false alarm. still invincible.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
