My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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