my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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