you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
