How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
