I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
