there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
