the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
