those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize