you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
