i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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