I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
