I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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