forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
