So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize