god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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