the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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