And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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