I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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