Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
