mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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