Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
