So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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