theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
