You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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