So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
