You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
