Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
