He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
