Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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