Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
