He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
