and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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