Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
