I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize