Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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