i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
did you just send me my own nude
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
