It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sext me about skeletons
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
