I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
