Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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