God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize