Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's shark week go big or go home
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
