I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
