eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
