I wish you could order shots online.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
