I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
