OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
