GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
