His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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