I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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