whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
