PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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