Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
