Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
