He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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