i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
