last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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