I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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