What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
