Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
