I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
