I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
